Kaua`i Day 7: Timeshares, Game 1 and Gaylord's

June 8, 2006 Aloha! It's a day to earn the discount we used for our helicopter tour and the coupon we'll use tonight at dinner...which means...a dull day of timeshare presentations. Our first was with Pahio, which is the resort who owns the Bali Hai Villas, where we're staying. It was pleasant enough; we got out of there in just less than 90 minutes.

Then we headed to Kauai Coast Resort in Kapaa. This was a Shell presentation, which was a waste of time. Not because the information or offer wasn't good, but because we were there 4 hours as if we were going to buy and yet didn't. It was very tempting...probably a very good deal, and Kelli and I, at different times, were ready to sign. But it was too quick, we decided. So we left.

The concierge gave us a tip for a nearby sports bar, where we wanted to watch Game 1 of the NBA Finals. As late as we were, we thought we'd just catch the second half, but we were surprised not even to miss the opening tip. Of course, Mavs won.

We were able to move up our "romantic table" reservations at Gaylord's, and we were armed with a hard-earned $100 gift certificate we were determined to make the most of. We ordered appetizers, pricey entrees and desserts, which were delicious.

But the exceptional food wasn't the main attraction at this romantic dinner. Nor was the view we shared of the immaculate Gaylord's grounds. No...as day turned to night at this "romantic" restaurant, Gaylord's seemingly turned to Gaylord of the Gnats.

A plague on both your appetizers...Flying pests vied for their share of our baked brie and fruit, our Caesar salad, Kelli's strawberry-banana-pineapple smoothie too. One met its end in my iced tea. We decided this course wasn't worth it, so Justin the Food Runner adiosed our plates and replaced my tea.

Prime Rib of Pork with Red Bliss Potatoes and Gorgonzola Fritters and Ribs with Red Bliss Potatoes and Onion Rings were served. Termites were too before our final bites.

Kel chose not to smash the two who landed in front of her. I chose differently. See I don't like flying bugs. Actually I don't like crawling kinds either. But two in a row settled before me, as if they were certain my fear would keep me from killing them. They were very wrong. Employing the only weapon I had -- a dessert menu -- with shocking speed and force, I sandwiched the first as it apparently was considering the pineapple creme brulee and the Kailua Mud Pie, then, without hesitation, smooshed the second under the bulk of that sweet book. I set aside my dessert menu, as cooly as a vaquero holsters his pistola after standoff success.

Our waitress came clean on her next stop: Yeah, the termites always come out of the ground at night and attack the "romantic" table. Thanks, Jennifer, I can still feel them on me...

But it's not Jennifer's betrayal that stung the worst. No, I just met Jennifer. Now, Kelli, on the other hand...she cut me real deep. As Jennifer gathered our things to relocate us out of Egypt, she picked up my weapon. Sure, it crossed my mind that our server was now handling the resting place of two of Gaylord's former guests. That was her tip, I resolved, for withholding what I consider critical intel that this romantic table for two would actually accommodate countless flying things. Now, Kelli thought differently...

Pointing at me like a taddling third grader, Kelli said, "He killed two termites in that menu you're holding." You guessed it, Jennifer was appalled and I was exposed, with no defense and no support, but Kelli's conscience was clear. So her betrayal was probably worth it.

Thankfully, I'm gracious enough to get past the offense to enjoy dessert. My Mud Pie didn't dissappoint and Kel's Fried Chocolate Truffles were wonderful. That is, until Kel pointed out the big brown spider hovering over me. He was 6 inches long if he was a centimeter, and all I could think about was Arachniphobia.

Justin attempted comfort. "Yeah, those are exactly like the spiders on Arachniphobia!" (How comforting, Justin.) "But you have nothing to worry about...they're not poisonous."

And, honestly, that did comfort me...until I realized he didn't mean they don't bite, he just meant their bite wasn't deadly. Whatever, who wants to be bitten at all.

Justin kept offering, "Now, if you were to go to Salt Pond Beach Park at night, you can see these covering everything, crawling all over you." (Where was that, Justin? Salt Pond? Yeah, that's where we're camping Monday night. Excellent!)

Leave us alone, Justin. Leave us alone forever.

Gaylord's capped a memorable day.